Depression and Friendship

That’s me, in a nutshell. “I’m fine.” “Everything’s great.” I keep up appearances without letting anyone know the proverbial shit has hit the fan and I’m down in the dumps. Those who legit know me, know this routine of mine and they call me on my BS. So, over the years I’ve learned other methods without having to lie to someone about how I really am.

I DISAPPEAR.

I used to have this best friend that I would talk to EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. for hours, as long as I can remember. We were friends for over 6 years and she knew how I would get when things got rough for me. During our friendship there was a period of three months where I avoided her. I loved her to pieces, I just didn’t want to talk to her. At the time, she never did anything to me, I just knew that if we talked, she’s going to ask how’s things and then I’ll be forced to lie to her. I don’t lie to the people I love. So to prevent the lying, I just disappear. She would reach out to me occasionally and tell me she loves me, missed me dearly and she’s here for me when I’m ready. I would always tear up when I read those messages, I didn’t respond because I was not ready.

That’s the thing about depression, you want to be alone, left alone in your pit of despair and when you’re ready to climb out of the hole, YOU will. Right now I don’t need a rope or a ladder to help me out of my hole, because, I am NOT ready.

Just leave me alone, let me disappear into the rabbit hole. Please.

I can talk business with you every day all day and that’s because it has absolutely NOTHING to do with anything personal. It’s cut and dry, to the point and it’s only business. When things start to turn personal, that’s when it’s time for me to end the conversation. I’m not ready to discuss anything personal and frankly, I don’t give two shits about your personal life. That might sound so mean, but it’s the truth. I can’t deal with anyone’s personal life because I can’t deal with my own life. If you’re happy and things are going absolutely amazing in your world, don’t tell me. There’s no hate involved, I’m happy for you, but it’ll make me depressed even more. Same thing if your life is going through turmoil, I’m sorry that you’re dealing with that, but it’ll make me sink deeper into my depression.

So, I do the bare minimum…brief contact, business only and then I’m ghost. It sounds so rude, but honestly, I don’t care. I can’t deal. I’m not ready.

“But they’re your friends, you can talk to them.” – Everybody

That’s true they are, but you can’t MAKE someone talk until THEY are ready to talk. Period. Besides that, I don’t want anyone to know my business. It’s my personal crap that I have to deal with and once it’s dealt with, you’ll have your friend back. Not a moment sooner. Harsh, I know, but that’s the way it has to be.

I can get on twitter and tweet from sun up til sun down, but you’ll never know that there’s anything wrong. Only my friends who know me respect that and let me be until I’m ready to take that step. I keep myself occupied with work, otherwise I’m drowning in despair, and work is better than occupying myself with a bottle. I don’t self-medicate anymore, I shut down and right now that works for me. I’m sure there’s better coping methods, but at this point in time I don’t care.

Now I can’t say that this works for everyone, BUT, it does for me. If you are a friend of someone dealing with depression, just pay attention to how they act towards you. I guarantee you that they’re not doing it to be mean, they just need their space. Keep an eye out, let them know that you care and love them and you WILL be there for them, but don’t smother them. They have to deal with their depression and there’s nothing that you can say or do to get them out of their depressed state. Just offer them, OCCASIONALLY, an ear that will listen and not judge them. It means a lot. Be patient with them, they will come out of their funk soon enough. They’re not avoiding you because they don’t like you anymore, they’re avoiding you because they don’t want to talk about what’s going on in their lives.

Respect that. PLEASE.

*Please note that there are different levels of depression and a friend might need you more than what this article states. Only YOU know your friend and the level of friendship/help that they need. This is just based on what I deal with. Thank you.*

I wrote the above post three years ago on VixenVarsity and I gotta say that I’m still the same. Not much has changed when it comes to me being depressed, hiding out and having not so good thoughts.

This evening I got an earful from my beloved friend and I deserved every single sentence she shouted at me. I said something that scared her and she wanted to be there for me. I was tempted to not answer the phone, but I did and when she started yelling at me, I almost hung up. She was worried about me and she actually penetrated my mind. This woman cares for me in ways that I’ve never been cared about before. Me hiding away for months until I get out of my depression is not an option, they won’t let that happen.

While I’m not here for being checked on daily, it’s nice to know that someone loves me that much and wants to be there for me.

Depression is such a bitch and when this bitch gets her claws in you, she doesn’t want to let go. It’s a good thing I have a great friend who doesn’t want to let go either.