Trigger Warning: Suicide<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2018 was an extremely rough year. You wouldn’t think that it was with all the traveling I was doing, on top of my first book, Bingo Love,<\/a> coming out. I should’ve been happy, I mean I was happy, but inside I was dead. It’s amazing what a fake smile can do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was dealing with some inner turmoil since March, but I had it under control… until November. I hate the holidays, like, H A T E. I despise it so much. The first week of November the dam in my head started to leak and by the second week, the dam was disintegrated. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I couldn’t stop crying. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I couldn’t stop thinking about ending my life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I couldn’t stop feeling dead inside.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I couldn’t stop hoping that I would<\/g> wind up in a car accident that ended my life. Or hoping that I’d just stop breathing in my sleep.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

All the hoping I did didn’t work. So I decided to turn it up a notch. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I attempted suicide three times in December. No, that’s a lie, it was five times. I’m ashamed. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sigh.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I no longer wanted to be alive y’all. So many crappy things were happening in my life. I was drowning and there was no one to save me. Now that I think about it, if someone was trying to help me, I’d swat their hand away. I didn’t want any help. I just wanted to go under and sink down to the ocean floor. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I posted on Facebook people reached out to me, but I ignored the messages, and the texts, and the calls. I wanted to be left alone, I still do. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Here it is the end of January and I’m still here…existing. It’s been three weeks since my last suicide attempt and I’ve given up trying to end my life .<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Since November I’ve been hiding under the covers — sleeping, crying, coming up with plans to end my life — until today.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

January 27th, 2019, I said, “ENOUGH!”. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I’ve had enough of the crying, failed attempts, wallowing in self-doubt, and sadness. I opened the drapes in my bedroom for the first time in months and let the sun in. I cleaned my bedroom, did laundry and cooked. While those things might sound simple, to me, it was everything. I was motivated<\/strong> and I forgot what that felt like.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hell, I haven’t written a damn thing in MONTHS! I had no urge to write anything — a tweet (and y’all<\/g> know I love tweeting), a blog post, scribble in my notebook, nothin’ — until tonight. I even had an idea that made me grab my handy, dandy, notebook and I wrote a two-page outline for a new book.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I know that I have to get better, and I’m trying to do the best that I can. “Baby steps.”, as my therapist says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After my last attempt, I finally decided to ask for help. Asking for help is one of the hardest things to do. I told my best friend that I couldn’t do it anymore and he referred me to a therapist. I then told my neurologist that I am extremely depressed and he wrote me a prescription for a SNRI<\/g>. I’m guessing that it’s working, hence me writing and cleaning. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now, I’m not sure if these feelings will continue, but I do<\/em> know that there’s a little seedling that’s starting to grow inside of me. I hope that it blossoms into a beautiful flower.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

While I barely survived 2018, I pray that I survive 2019, because I know for a fact that I want to live.<\/strong> And that’s all that matters to me right now. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Depression is real and it sucks major ass. 1 in 4 people suffer from depression, so I’m certain that someone you know or yourself is dealing with depression. In 2015,   An estimated 9.3 million adults (3.9% of the adult U.S. population) reported having suicidal thoughts in the past year. <\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

That’s a lot of people who are suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts. If you’re reading this and are struggling, I want you to know that you’re not alone. I understand what you’re going through. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Please seek help, you’re worth it, even if you don’t feel like it.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Trust me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Trigger Warning: Suicide 2018 was an extremely rough year. You wouldn’t think that it was with all the traveling I was doing, on top of my first book, Bingo Love, coming out. I should’ve been happy, I mean I was happy, but inside I was dead. It’s amazing what a fake smile can do. I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":462,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_breakdance_hide_in_design_set":false,"_breakdance_tags":"","wds_primary_category":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[27,3],"tags":[],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/teefranklin.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/01\/drown.jpg?fit=1000%2C1500","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p88mjw-7j","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/teefranklin.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/453"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/teefranklin.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/teefranklin.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/teefranklin.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/teefranklin.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=453"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/teefranklin.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/453\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":463,"href":"http:\/\/teefranklin.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/453\/revisions\/463"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/teefranklin.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/462"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/teefranklin.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=453"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/teefranklin.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=453"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/teefranklin.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=453"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}