Trigger warning: rape, sexual assault.
I’ve been paralyzed with fear these past few weeks since the exposure of predator, Harvey Weinstein. Reading so many stories of women sharing their sexual assaults and harassment, has had me reliving the multiple times that I have been assaulted and harassed. I built a dam in my head to protect me from reliving these events, but that dam broke a few years ago. Perhaps I should’ve muted everything – hashtags, certain words, people – and practiced better self-care, then I wouldn’t have had to live those horrific times I was sexually assaulted.
Yes. Times with an s at the end.
I wish I could say it was just the one time, but it wasn’t. If I’m being honest with myself, I don’t even know how many times I was raped.
Majority of the sexual assaults happened under the age of 16. I wasn’t a “fast tailed” little girl as some people
family would refer to me. I wasn’t “fast” at all, but that’s the stereotype little Black girls get, especially if they were developed. I remember being touched in my “no-no” place when I was in my single digits during nap time at the Boys & Girls Club. A little boy touched me as I slept and he exposed himself to me. I remember screaming and crying, and I got in trouble. My mother was told and I got spanked. I don’t think I was no older than 5.
I remember being older in school and I got called to the principal’s office, I’m not sure what it was, and was placed over the desk with my uniform skirt up, and my tights and panties down to my knees and having my backside kissed and spanked and rubbed. I remember the other principal putting me over his lap to do the same exact thing, but I felt something hard as I was laying across his lap. There was one time that I was spanked over the desk and this plastic thing I was spanked with hit my vagina. It hurt really bad. I started to bleed.
This happened from ages 8 to 14.
I tried to not get in trouble at the school which also doubled as a church. I didn’t tell my mother, because “I got what I deserved” when it came to the spankings. She didn’t know I was naked getting my spankings, I guess I could’ve told her.
Maybe a year or so later, there was a scandal with the church and it was revealed that there was sexual abuse going on with the students. Some of the pastors were arrested. I remember my mother asked if anything happened to me and I told her no. I didn’t want to say anything because I knew what the girls who came forward were going through and I totally didn’t want to go through that, not at all.
So. I buried it. I buried everything.
As a 13/14 year old, I dealt with other sexual assaults…even a cult. I’m not ready to speak on this, but the things that I had to do in this cult…the things I had to do because “God said so.”, I wouldn’t wish it on my nemesis. It was during this time period where I tried to commit suicide several times, I was just so tired of being used and then discarded like trash, or have money thrown at me, because “God’s will” had to be done.
There was one time I told my mother I was raped in school and she straight up called me a liar to my face. Why? Well, it’s pretty simple, “God said I was lying.” I never spoke about it or any other times I was raped again – to my mother or to anyone.
Now about those sexual assaults. Let’s see…
I was gang raped.
I was raped when I was 6.5 months pregnant.
I was raped in high school.
I was raped in college.
I was raped by boyfriends.
My husband wouldn’t let me say no sometimes. It was his. I married him. I had no choice.
Last time I was raped was 4 years ago.
Last time I was sexually assaulted was May 2017.
I’m not sharing these horrid tales because I want your sympathy. I want y’all to understand why I am so vocal when it comes to the sexual predators in the comic industry. Women need to be believed and not forced to remain silent, so they won’t lose their jobs. It’s another assault all over again. Do better. Flush these predators out, stop sympathizing with them, stop working with them, and above all…
It’s really not that hard to do. Those of you who claim you’re an ally, don’t just talk about it; be about it. Call out those men you see assaulting women and children. Treat them like Nazis and punch them in the face when you see something happening. Fight for us.
To the women reading this, please know you’re not alone. Practice self-care if it gets to be too much. Never in a million years would I have ever thought I’d share this, because I was embarrassed. I knew I’d be looked at as someone disgusting for allowing this to happen. I mean, seriously, how many times can someone be raped? Hell, I’ve asked myself that same damn question. I feel as if I have a target on my back, a sign that says, “C’mon by and rape me for a good time!”
I know I’m exposing myself for posting this, but I truly believe that I may help someone who’ll read this blog. If that’s you, I’m so sorry this happened. You did absolutely nothing wrong and you didn’t deserve any of this.
You are NOT alone. Hold your head high and continue to fight the good fight. I know I will.